December 2024
Every holiday season I hope to help give the kids something and every year the requests are surprising. At the high school it’s just a food gift card for Joan who is homeless. At the other school its underwear, toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, t shirts and a $50 gift card (for 15 kids). I trust staff to tell me what the kids need, it just never seems fun. I forget that “fun” isn’t a word the kids would use much to describe their lives.
November 2024
Thanksgiving at the school today. About ten kids, lots of staff and adults from the district. One of the kids recently came from Mexico and speaks very little English. “Hey, hey, hey!” he called out as I carried in two turkeys and a ham. I’m trying to help him learn English and I scolded him in my horrible, broken Spanish “no hey, hey!” I told him. Say “Hola (hi), o señor (or mister)”. Later he found an interpreter to tell me he didn’t mean to be rude, but I hadn’t been paying attention to him and he wanted to talk. He’s 14, poor, too young to work, and almost no English.
What was his life like in Mexico? How bad was it that his meager life here is an improvement? Like most kids, he had no control over his family’s decision to move. He’s here now, he’s a human being.
November 2024
A student at one of the comprehensive high schools committed suicide. His name is familiar but I don’t recognize his picture in news reports. He and his Dad were homeless and allegedly he was bullied at school over this. The usual public statements were made, likely drafted by HR or attorneys; “…we don’t condone bullying in any form, our hearts go out…”.
If you think of this young man as someone else’s child it’s easier to digest this horrible situation. A young man barely emerging from childhood with a universe of possibilities in his future, gone by his own hand. If you think of all children as ours at some level, it’s devastating. I know how I feel, how about you?
October 2024
Years ago I bought a professional quality Elmo costume and Elmo visits a few schools each Halloween. This year I visited three alt-ed schools and the elementary school my sons attended. I can only see feet though Elmos’ mouth, so I rely on a helper to walk me around. Some years I hear screams of delight, one year a kid tried to pull my head off. This year;
– I heard female teenagers in burkas giggling as they posed for pictures and selfies with Elmo.
– Shrewd second graders barking “I see your face fake Elmo!” There always seems to be a few of those.
– Semi dumbstruck street kids accepting candy, high fives and hugs. They don’t know what to make of their childhood reappearing.
October 2024
“Her mother filed a missing person’s report two days ago” said the admin. Ashley is 15, no Dad in her life. Her Mom suspects she’s at her boyfriends’ home but has no contact info. Ashley likes to tell me she’s my daughter, and like a Dad I worry she’s ok.
I brought ice cream to staff at the second school to show they are appreciated. The kids have been very rough this year, tough to handle. Two students followed me relentlessly repeating in Spanish (and English), “can I have one? can I have one???”. One young man openly and thoughtfully talked about his anxiety and medication. I made sure he got one.
September 2024
Some days I am ignored and some days I am accosted, today was the latter. “Mark I got jumped in, 14 seconds, Ima 3, fuck the 4’s…” an excited Julian tells me as he made a series of hand signals that I couldn’t interpret. Miss H, a staff member explained in a droll voice “he joined a gang.”
I guessed at his hand movements “Is it a bird? Bird with eyeball? Are we doing sign language now? Wait, are you casting spells?” “Fuck the 3’s!” said Julian. “Well, I’m a 4 so I’m greater” “No, Ima 4 now”. “Ok then I’m a 5.” And then amidst Julian’s excited, sad gang proclamations and my 61 year old “dad” banter, I got the smallest, sweet smile from Julian. Showing the child that he still is, for now.
August 2024
“Mark, if I’m good will you buy me a bag of chips?” said twelve-year old Carlito as I was about to leave. A surprising question since none of the kids wanted to talk much today. I brought one student a birthday snack but he had already walked off campus after a fight with his Mom. Another student unsocial (meds), another hostile and agitated (no meds), others just somber.
“Yes but I rely on the staff to tell me if your behavior is good, so you’ve got some work to do” I said. Carlito had been defiant to a teacher and called her a bitch, a common occurrence. The lure of chips was a small push in the right direction. “I’ll be back next week and ask staff” I told him. “BET!” said Carlito with a small smile.
August 2024
School is back in session and I thought I’d only see staff today but there were 10 kids! Many years there are no kids for a few weeks- before suspensions take place at other schools and kids are placed here- but this year started out busy. Staff looked great, a few students remembered me and I talked to a few who only speak Spanish, in my horrible, broken Spanish. Staff created a new system to reward good behavior and it was great to see.
Then a County Health Inspector visited to see the kitchen and food. The staff and school facility passed, but the district now has multiple failed visits for food sent to this school. The kitchen is very small and the district sends food from another school with a larger kitchen. The County requires the district to label the food with the date it was produced and an expiration date. The food does come labelled, but the district seems unable to comply with County requirements.
Would this situation continue at a school for wealthier kids? White kids? Kids who’s families speak English?
June 2024
“I don’t think I’m going to make it” said Juan to the school principal. He’s at a larger school, still homeless, dabbling in fighting and alcohol. My visits with him are sometimes productive (talked about working and saving money), sometimes less so (“Ima buy a whip!”). He’s only 15.
There’s a thin web of adults attempting to help but a much larger web of factors that may make Juan’s prediction come true. Maybe I’m just getting old and see doom around every corner. Maybe the kid’s optimism, false or not, is correct.
May 2024
School is out in one week. A lot of kids with unstable homes start to act poorly now because they have a long summer ahead of them. Juan is still not doing well; homeless, losing weight, grieving for his Dad. He called his former principal today for help which is a great step. A staff member brought him food, talked awhile, and I had a good talk with him too. We talked about a goal this summer “Ima save $3000 for a whip”. I offered to help him open a savings account next week. Ashley continues to spiral and our conversations are very superficial. I think she knows I’m there to support her but I’m afraid she needs to hit a few walls before she’s ready for change.
A new student has only one change of clothes. Staff and I split a store run and now he has a few things. Other students (almost as poor), were making fun and he was in desperate need.
April 2024
Things I learned at the school today;
– The teenage group of girls I talked to today have an amazing capacity for snark. “Cheesing” means smiling and a “side eye” is not good. A student walking by gave me side eye, but I confess I don’t care.
– Some kids I know aren’t doing well. Juan (14), is flashing rolls of cash to kids, drinking, vandalizing cars. He’s working a few nights a week but not enough to keep him out of trouble or support his homeless family.
– Ashley (15), is vaping and drinking after school. Her Mom somehow saw video of this happening and was devastated.
– A person’s environment is like an ocean. There are currents and eddies, predators and prey, weather and luck. When you are young and brown or black the currents lead more often to rocks. Predators are everywhere and the forecast is not always good.
April 2024
Often there is a tipping point for kids, a moment in time when they become less open and childlike. They smile less, watch their words, keep their eyes hooded and wary. It might be fairly normal social pressures or anxiety that cause this and the child is still well inside. Other times there’s more going on; a relative who abuses them, crushing poverty or the heartbreak of losing people they love. Often they need normalcy and time to heal, precious commodities in chaotic lives.
Two students I know at the school today were down and feeling low. I don’t know why they felt this way but I tried to get them to engage, finally by telling them one of the very stupid jokes I’ve told for years (it involves a rat and amuses me to tell it even if it’s not particularly funny). The girl listened with a somewhat interested sidelong glance, but the boy slowly unveiled a child like smirk and open eyes. He laughed at the end “effin’ rat!” he said. I’m sure he didn’t know, but for a few moments I got to see him at 6 or 7, rather than the street hardened 15.
March 2024
“Imnah gonna lie, fool snucked me and I rocked her world” said Ashley to Juan. Juan asked if Ashley “had beef”, I was visiting so I asked for translation. “Beef” is a dispute, I knew this much. Turns out “snucked” means “solo person physically attacks from behind” and “rocked her world” means “successfully and dominantly assaulted the person in retaliation.” I love learning new slang from the kids and act as dense and decrepit as possible. The kids like to make fun of my ignorance and lecture me- it’s a position of power that they don’t often have.
I wasn’t happy Ashley got snucked or rocked someone’s world but she looked fine, wasn’t in trouble and had fun bantering with me. Juan told me stories about his recent experiences which alarmed me; I told him I don’t want to visit him in jail or go to his funeral. Visiting the kids is often such a roller coaster, alternately hysterical and sobering.
March 2024
There are two main alt ed (alternative education), schools in the district, and I’ve been going to the larger one for a few months now. The Day school I’ve been visiting for years takes kids that have been expelled and is a “reset” for many kids. The larger school is often a good transition once the kids are stabilized. Today I visited the larger school and two Junior girls I know adopted me into their gaggle of friends. I learned about prom, boys (all idiots apparently), and a whole lot about family dysfunction from one young lady. She misses her 4 year old nephew a lot, step family isn’t great, misses her family in the central valley.
I bought $500 worth of clothes for Day school kids who can’t afford clothes and a bit for the larger school kids too. On the way home a guy cut me off in traffic then threw an aryan hate sign at me. Maybe he hates volunteer work?
February 2024
Today was barbecue day and I hadn’t seen Maria in a long time. She was here a year ago as a senior and went to another alt-ed school to graduate. She’s bipolar and often not on her meds, has a lot, lot of anger issues. She told me after we met that she never liked a white person until she met me (both flattering and alarming).
She visited to see if she could come back- it turns out she hasn’t gotten any more credits since leaving. One of the boys, safely surrounded by his friends decided to make fun of her appearance, her weight and looks. The other boys laughed and Maria responded in anger. The boy added “I’ll slap you” behind the safety of his friends. I could see Maria’s self esteem being broken down while I was busy cooking and the saddest part? Two nearby male staff members who did nothing, just watched it happen.
I found Maria with some other girls and we talked. She joked about white people sucking except me (the boy was white), but I could see this type of damage happens to her and many women all the time. Maria was really mad and we talked about control; if you let everyone get you mad, everyone controls you. As a female and a Latina, she has a hard road. Unending anger will make it so much harder.
I gave her a hug, went back to the barbecue and the same boy made some comment about the food I cooked “we could have had McDonald’s instead!”
January 2024
“Why do you want to go to that school, is it because there are a lot of kids that look like you? You wear a lot of blue. Is that because you are in a gang? The school you want is full I’m sorry, you’ll have to go to another…”
Edgar is 14. He completed his expulsion and was in a meeting for reinstatement to his home school district. He and his single mom silently fumed at the district employees profiling. Edgar felt this was racist and classist; he was furious that his mom let it happen. His mom has a suitcase full of her own insecurities and personal demons.
December 2023
Gabriel is still locked up. The other students tell me they don’t know where he is, but it’s juvenile hall. He has a single mom and I hope they are both doing ok. Two of the girls were talkative today and actually named some adult staff members that they like! Lou told me a story of having to fight in jail because another inmate drank his juice, and for that disrespect Lou had to fight him.
I talked a lot to the kids today but the scope of their challenges humbles me. Stock platitudes that we use all the time (“how are you” “I hope it gets better” “Have a good weekend”), feel so false and dishonest as I start to say them. The holidays are hard for these kids and I feel a bit of it with them.
One of the students is convinced I’m a hit man of some sort. I let him think so, because both of us need some comedy.
November 2023
Today was our Thanksgiving for the kids. They are off next week and for the last 6 years we’ve put together a Thursday dinner at the school. Every year the kids ask for a traditional celebration (eg turkey, etc.), because “our families don’t do anything”… it’s likely the families can’t afford to do anything. We pick Thursdays because that leaves leftovers for Friday and possibly to take home. Today lots of staff came and brought food, everyone was generous.
Next week the kids are off school and the principal is trying to get them snacks for home. They often have no food during these weeks and as I left campus my pride in the dinner we had today quickly feels paltry.
Lou, the single dad I think so much of will be alone next week. His girlfriend/mother to his infant daughter just got locked up. Sometimes I think I worry about the kids more than they worry about themselves. As with many things, I am likely wrong.
October 2023
Lou is an 18year old single dad with tons of potential. He is thoughtful, empathetic and very, very streetwise. He told me today he’s interested in culinary and as these conversations go, he also shared that he has nine felonies outstanding, was locked up last week, showed me his new ankle bracelet. The emotional whiplash these kids give me sometimes is hard, makes me want to be numb. But numb adults is the last thing they need.
I told Lou if he gets through high school I’ll get him money for a culinary program. I also told him I’d really like to see him done with street life. He didn’t bluster, he quietly agreed. I know he’s no angel, but he is still a child.
October 2023
I visited the school today and sat with the kids. Gabriel, a handsome young man with a beautiful smile, particularly likes to grab my shoulder or cover my head (bald spot), or learn grappling techniques. My guess is he has no dad in his life, regardless I enjoy him. As he laughingly fought off the joint lock I was showing him, we got the whistle. The principal has a whistle she blows when she wants a behavior to stop. I instantly felt 15 again and the kids told me what to do if I was in trouble.
I’ve served on boards and committees, and there is no whistle. In adult disagreements there are often long winded contradictions, motions and grandstanding and endless seeking of attention. There are personal attacks when logic won’t serve, gaslighting and salty looks. Lots and lots of less than honest passive aggression. Today I got the whistle.
I prefer the whistle.
September 2023
“It’s aight, the new school. Went through orientation all last week , ‘s hella boring. You can come (visit), any time, I’m there every day. I’m a junior in credits! I caught up alot here at this school. Nah, I haven’t lost weight, ‘s all cool. Yeah my (n word), you can visit, I mean if you want.” -Juan, 15 and homeless, during a visit after transfer to another school.
September 2023
Oscar is a newer student and came to school Monday apparently very tired. Staff asked him how he was and he replied tired, and eventually and reluctantly shared that he hadn’t eaten. “You haven’t eaten today? Breakfast?”, “No, this weekend. I slept though so I’m good.” He’s 14 and he hadn’t eaten at all this weekend.
Mom is undocumented, struggling to work, often can’t get the forms of mainstream help available if you are a citizen. That and shame of being poor, being hungry keep a lot of people from getting help. Staff is using our emergency funds to send this family food for home. I guess I should be happy to be a part of that help, but part of me wonders, what will they do next week?
September 2023
Barbecue day today at the school. The kids were excited and requested ribs and carne asada and staff brought a ton of sides. There are a number of new staff members so this was a good team building exercise I think. My friend who runs facilities for the district came and we had a good talk.
Juan, Gabriel and Edgar helped me cook (80% help, 10% getting out of schoolwork, 5% smack talking and 5% enjoying our company). Two new students ate a lot (staff said they have not eaten yet at school, this was the first time). One new female student ate alone, but that was a big step. I haven’t seen her eat or talk at all prior to today.
Lou, 18 year old single dad, showed me a tattoo that said RIP Allen. “I’ve had a lot of friends die, but this one hurt. Allen was 16, he got shot. We were close. ” Lou had a probation meeting during the barbecue and I made him a plate. He looked me in the eye and thanked me. Being an 18 year old dad must be so hard; you don’t get many plates made for you.
August 2023
My first official visit today, and there were two new students and three returning that pleasantly mobbed me with hugs, their special (likely gang related), handshakes and a chorus of “wassup Mark my n-word!” I hate it when they use that word despite the affection they are showing.
I sat in class for a bit with them as Mrs. T gave a great presentation on emotions and how we express them. She illustrated some topics with video clips and when she got to love she showed a clip from the movie “White Chicks”. Terry Crews’ macho football character unexpectedly loves and sings “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carton. If you saw the movie this song is indelibly etched in your mind. Two of the students, large and intimidating, started to serenade me with the song and it just cracked me up.
These kids crack me up, they are just kids.
August 2023
School started a few days ago and former student Sarah 15 walked from her new school, a large “regular” high school, to our school. She told staff she has no food and needs clothes for school. She can’t find her classes at the large school and no one will help. Her parents are meth addicts and has no help at home. She called me with the principal, I told her we have her covered, we will get her food and clothes.
Privately the principal told me this breaks her heart, seeing a former student walk to campus asking for basic help. We will buy some clothes and gift cards for food, hopefully connect her to an agency for ongoing help.
People frequently tell me they had no idea that children in our community have these lives, had these needs. I can tell you they do, they deserve better, they deserve our help.
July 2023
School isn’t back in session yet but today at the gym I saw Juan. He and some friends were lifting weights an he greeted me with “oh shit”, which I’ve come to understand is a teenage expression of mild, pleasant surprise. He was friendly and gave me an intricate handshake which I fumbled through. I asked about what school he’ll attend, how he is. He was little reserved; maybe due to his friends’ presence- maybe he was high (I don’t know). I’m sure his friends wondered who the old dude is.
Many decades ago I lived in LA. Broke and living in my friends’ camper, he let me use his gym pass so I’d have a shower to use. I know Juan may be doing that now since his family is essentially homeless. I’m glad Juan had friends with him, I hope he’s doing well.
June 2023
School is out for summer. My last visit of the school year and the kids were excited that school was ending and defensive that it would give them loss of structure, dependable food and healthy adults who care. We had a big barbecue and I bought way too much food, which they ate and/or took home. I was told the carne asada “slapped” (slang for really good).
The inequalities these kids face prey on me. Part of me can’t understand why they don’t receive more help. We have government agencies and private entities designed to help them. Enormous wealth surrounds us; how can they be homeless, or hungry, or abused? A more jaded part of me understands why. Humans are often selfish creatures and we sometimes ignore inconvenient, awful truths.
Best wishes to all my adopted kids for summer 2023. I wish you health and peace.
May 2023
“Me and my Dad did pavers, I helped him sometimes.” 14 year old Juan is telling me about his past work experience. It’s the first time he’s talked about his Dad, who he found dead in the bathroom from a drug overdose. It’s important that he mentioned his Dad and I try to carefully listen. He says no more but I will listen when he does.
Other kids chime in about their summer work plans or lack thereof. Enrique, a brash 14 year old, says he just plans to get laid (I’m dubious). They ask me for juice, then lemonade or punch. A rousing discussion ensues involving the merits of lemonade vs punch. Punch is apparently “hella good” although the sole lemonade lover Emile makes his points. I think we still have some donated juice boxes so staff lets me search; I find mandarin orange cups and the kids say that if we freeze them, they’ll be ok.
School is out in 8 days. Summer for these kids means less structure, more food anxiety, fewer adults who care. We will try to put together food boxes for kids to take home, but it’s not enough.
May 2023
Today is Cinco de Mayo and I promised the kids last week we would barbecue today. They requested burgers and carne asada, Juan asked if he could cook. Unfortunately a few kids had poor behavior and staff recommended we not reward it with a barbecue.
“You did us dirty” said Adam, Jared, Kerry and Ron. They were both joking and serious, but they were seriously disappointed. I told them people were trappin’ and finessing, and they laughed. I didn’t specify who, but they knew some students acted poorly and so they all paid the price- no barbecue. I asked them about the fairness of this and inequality in general. They are always surprisingly adept in certain subjects and unfortunately inequality is one of them.
Ron, a big, sad 13 year old desperately needs a haircut. I started to plan how to get a barber on campus for Ron and other kids. He laughed and told me he wants to grow it out, thereby reminding me of my age and biases.
April 2023
1.5 days until spring break and the students are surprisingly talkative. I learned about Juans’ dream of enrolling in culinary school and found out Dave misses his friends in middle school.
Kerry and her new boyfriend took the time to explain to me that I do not “bug” (unnecessarily annoy someone). I had a brief hope that I “finesse” and was “trappin”, but I do not qualify (“finesse” and “trappin”= manipulate someone for your personal benefit). Once we figured out that I do try to manipulate them but only for their own benefit, I demanded a new slang term to fit. They did not comply but hey, at least they talked to me. The kids take great joy in my lack of understanding their slang. I take great joy in their joy.
April 2023
It’s a Friday and the kids are restless. The boys posture and talk big, they walk with their chests out and their pants low. Every opportunity for an adjective is “f word” and every pronoun seems to be “n word”. This sets my nerves on edge, particularly the last. Using a word that’s historically venomous is an awful habit, but I can’t get them to understand. To them it’s no big deal- no matter the color of one’s skin.
Kerry is the only girl in the school right now, and she doesn’t like it. She hopes her friend will get expelled so they are together; a curious hope! Her nails are long and artistically painted, we talk about them and their cost. She wants to know the most expensive, disposable thing I’ve spent money on, and we finally decide it was my wedding kilt. She’s never heard of a kilt, but listens as I explain. Underneath her intelligence and curiosity is anger, like many of the kids. Both Kerry and Lou from my last post have lots of potential, I hope to work with them more.
March 2023
“I have empathy for cops, they’re doing their jobs” says Lou, a very intelligent young man with a long, long rap sheet. We are trading war stories and he mentions carrying scales, “too much” weed, hash and guns. He’s used his guns, but says no more. “Some cops are cool, it all depends on how you treat them”. Lou is not a saint, yet he impresses me every time I talk to him. He’s a fascinating contradiction; slight, yet very much raised on the streets. Philosophic but talks with so much slang I constantly ask for interpretation. A new dad who’s on the edge of street life and straight life. He eloquently dissects the school food, quietly talks about being a 17 year old dad, thoughtfully relates his graduation requirements and mentions bits of gang life with the carefulness of a politician. He has so much potential but I worry about him not living long.
At his core, he’s still a kid.
March 2023
The students are sullen, short tempered, disrespectful, angry and hurt. Over the decades volunteering at alt-ed schools this has largely been my experience. The important question has always been; why? The answers often hurt to hear. They are homeless or about to be. Crushing poverty in a society that emphasizes wealth as a measurement of success. Food insecurity and too young to legally work. Abused by once trusted family members. Children of addicts who in turn become addicts. These are some of the “why’s” I come to understand.
It’s convenient to render these kids invisible. They can be difficult to be around for good reason. Why try to help a kid that curses you out? Rather than treated as children worthy of help, they are often seen as statistics, problems, inconveniences.
I try to open my heart and see them for who they are. Sometimes I see too much.
March 2023
Today was barbecue day and the school and kids got a lot of attention. Food was donated by staff and a friend who’s an Italian grandma. A friend from Rotary presented his welding program to the kids and bought them donuts. Staff from the districts’ resource center visited and that usually means help for the kids. For the first time ever I saw a facilities person working on the weeds out front. The new Superintendent who seems to be a big supporter visited and talked to a few kids.
A student who would not talk for months and would never eat, actually ate something in front of me today! Another blew some soul at the Superintendent (told something from the heart). A very streetwise 16 year old father looked me in the eye and thanked me for the food. Staff felt they were noticed and respected. It was a good day.
February 2023
Sometimes I bring my 1965 convertible to surprise the kids. Today was one such day, and it made them smile. At first they all thought it was a lowrider, but I assured them it’s just low. Dave, a very big 13 year old had a lot of questions. “Can I drive it?” (no). “How fast does it go?” (I’m not sure). “Why don’t you drive it more?” (good question). “How much did it cost?” (too much). “Does it get terrible gas mileage?” (yes). “Can I drive it?” (no).
I got many of the kids to take pictures in it, or with me outside of it. I promised to chauffeur them at their proms if they make it to graduation. Their smiles made me smile, and see the child still in them. Later I heard that Dave was telling other kids that I was really nice, sort of a surprise to him that a random adult would be nice. That is both sad and hopeful.
January 2023
Today was the day I barbecue for the kids. Miguel is very big, 15 and Muslim. He couldn’t eat the pork hot links, so we put enough chicken and hamburgers aside for him. I admire him for having conviction that overrules a teenage stomach.
Ted is 14, lives in poverty, likely in the closet. It took 8 months for him to speak to me (he said hi), and he has always refused to eat at school. Today he ate chicken! I can’t express how thrilling it was to watch him accept food, go off and eat it alone.
Sarah has parents addicted to meth, I previously wrote about her and self harm. She appreciates the barbecues but often takes a lot of food, wastes it, then asks for more. I couldn’t understand this until today; cooking for her shows that we care. The food may be the evidence of that caring, so more food= more caring. I don’t know if that’s correct, but she talks to me and I cook for her. In the humble scope of daily successes with these kids, I’m happy.
January 2023
I spent some time talking to Juan today. He’s goes back to the comprehensive high school next week, so I may not see him for awhile. He casually told me another young man “pressed” him (challenged him), in a park. The guy asked about gang affiliation, tried to rob him and they fought. Juan had some bruises but he laughed about the knife the guy had “it was hella small”. He said the fight was no big deal, he’s been jumped before (jumped means multiple attackers), and he said that hurt. “When they get you in a corner and you can’t run…”.
Juan didn’t seem to upset by the park experience, but I wonder how I’d feel if my son was attacked with a knife. In a real way Juan is my son and he knows it, that is why he calls me “my boy”. It’s reversed, but I understand.
January 2023
The kids are back, it’s a new year. Most of us are relaxed after a break, but it’s the opposite for the students. The chaos of their lives peaks without the structure, support, food and safe place that the school provides. Over and over I start to say “how was your break?” to the students, but I catch myself realizing it’s a stupid question.
Claudia was in a serious car crash and got a concussion. She doesn’t think much of it but I do. Juan is worried about his impending homelessness. David and family moved out of the transient motel and into a place in San Jose. He acts like its’ fine but I can’t tell if it is.
Julia is 15, somewhat shy and very polite. Her lunch didn’t arrive and she didn’t want the alternatives. I tried my best to get her interested in the food available, even checking my cars’ glove box for anything she’d accept. No luck.
December 2022
Between the school district, donations from my foundation and some of the staff’s own money, the kids are getting some much needed clothing and food. Small gift cards for fast food places will help a little bit during winter break, since many don’t get regular food at home.
Mr. C made the kids breakfast burritos and staff played Tejano music. “It’s nice to see them act like kids” said Ms. Y as the boys danced a little and laughed. One girl wasn’t there; she’s in the hospital due to a late night car crash last night. Mr. C plans to visit her.
Staff snuck in some toys to give the kids later in the day, before they go home. They were toys for much younger age group and I asked about them. “They kids don’t ask us for themselves, they ask for toys for their younger brothers and sisters. They don’t really have anyone else to ask” said Mr. C.
I wished them a merry Christmas and good break. They asked me to hug my dog for them.
December 2022
Cranberry juice. A teenager has to be pretty poor to ask for cranberry juice as their choice of Christmas gift. Lupe was asked by staff what he’d like for Christmas, and that was his answer. Not a toy, not a bike, not clothes (and he desperately needs clothes).
I’m scrambling right now to help get students emergency items like shoes, food and clothes. COVID has left these kids more destitute than ever before. Staff is helping identify the needs and making sure the items get safely to the students. I also need to get Lupe some cranberry juice.
November 2022
Today was our Thanksgiving lunch for the kids and staff. Despite earlier worries we had enough food and everyone did an excellent job decorating and making the event special. I’m not sure if all the food meant more to the kids or the obvious care that went into it. It means a lot when someone cooks for you- it means they care. These kids will likely have nothing at home for Thanksgiving so today was important.
I finally got to catch up with Juan, which was great. He considers me “his boy” which translates as “someone I like and am close to” I think. I’m honored obviously, but he and his family are about to be homeless. They are currently living in a garage, and that shelter is about to go away too. He’s 14, can’t legally work. Dad was the main bread winner and died.
A street hardened student said hi to me today (big accomplishment for me, first time she’s done this). Three kids asked to bring extra food home, not for themselves but for their families. When asked what they are thankful for, one brave young man told us he’s glad he’s not at the ranch (juvenile hall), and that we have given him his freedom.
November 2022
Today was my monthly barbecue day, and staff asked if Jose could help me. He was having a bad day and they thought cooking would help. We barbecued burgers and hot dogs, talked about how best to melt the cheese and how a few hot dogs were “hella burnt”. He was curiously thoughtful when I showed him how to wear my apron, tied in front to hold a dish cloth. His regular banter filled with f and n words changed. I’ve since found out he’s autistic and that thoughtfulness may be part of the manifestation. He did a great job; everything I asked. When they kids were eating I let them know he was the chef of the day.
Juan came by school looking for me after I left. I wrote about him before; he found his father’s lifeless body after an OD. Juan is apparently doing ok at a larger high school. I need to find time to catch up with him.
October 2022
Years ago I was asked by second graders to join their Halloween parade. I bought an enormous Elmo costume and did so. Elmo became an annual Halloween visitor and he also visits the alternative education schools of the district. Although I can’t see much out the giant head, it’s great to hear kids react when Elmo visits.
Yesterday Elmo visited the at risk students at my regular school. Kids threw gang signs in pictures and posed looking tough, but the wonder you hear in children’s voices was there too. Elmo also visited a larger alt ed school; young women in burkas and disabled students took endless selfies and asked for hugs. Elmos’ last visit was the elementary school where his visits began years ago. The toughest customer of the day was second grader repeatedly telling Elmo “you’re in a costume, I see your eyes fake Elmo”. Elmo took questions, gave hugs and thumbs up.
We live in such a complicated world that more laughter, certainly more Elmos, are needed.
October 2022
In November of 2020 I wrote about a student, an overhang and a blanket. It was a bleak story and I’m super happy to hear that the student is now doing well! She’s working, has an apartment and making better choices in friends. She escaped the cycle of neglect and abuse and is thriving. It is thrilling to hear, I wish the best for her and all the kids.
September 2022
Manuel was explaining to me the relativity of sock height and sexuality. He pointed “If your sock is up to here, it’s ok. If it’s down here but you are working out, that’s ok. If it’s here, you are gay.” A very active gang member at 13 with a rap sheet, Manuel has strong views that I could not resist messing with. “Do you mean that when I wear socks HERE, I become gay? I’ve worn socks that height and never been attracted to men, although I could try. Manuel…MANUEL! Should I change socks to avoid sexual ambiguity and divorce? MANUEL!”
Most of these kids haven’t had their views challenged. They haven’t been “Dad’ed” as I call it. This was great fun and Manuel didn’t know I was messing with him and his homophobia. “Could it mean only my ankles are gay? Manual! maybe just my socks? How can socks be gay they don’t have sex. Are my shoes involved? MANUAL!” I think he finally realized I was messing with his views and not making fun of him. He shuffled to class with a half smile, hopefully reconsidering his socks.
September 2022
I brought my dog. Rio is a 5 year old rescue; pit and shepherd mix. She was found abandoned in a Central Valley orchard and my family adopted her. She is sweet, goofy and has that depth of character that comes with a hard past.
Many of the students brightened up seeing her, but I was on the lookout for one particular student from my last post. At lunch we walked Rio, gave her treats, and of course she pooped when I had no bag (Rio, not the student). We talked about dogs and their temperaments and bias towards certain breeds. The student told me that dog’s personalities are largely shaped by how they’ve been treated, they can be sweet or dangerous. I thought about the student; never a birthday party, self harm, mental hospital stay, witness to attempt on Mom’s life. Recently told by a parent to “just do it right”, meaning suicide. I realized we were having a much larger discussion, at least to me. Rio was a therapy dog today, maybe for the students, maybe for me.
August 2022
Talking to the kids can be a spiritually jarring experience. More kids were back to school today and I got a chance to catch up with them. One student has decided “I am the first white person she likes”, and she told me her unintentionally hilarious story of getting stoned with her girlfriends. Broke, they drove to San Jose to borrow money for gas (?) and ended up egging someone’s car in anger. Tried to make a getaway but their car was out of gas. Cops came, tow truck driver had to give them gas to drive away. Didn’t all that driving, cost of eggs, etc. cost more money?
Another student told me they were just released from a mental hospital. Home sounds like utter chaos, self esteem seems zero. They confided to me they’ve never had a birthday party. Staff and I will plan something, but our talk today haunts me. The last thing the student said to me? They just want to see my dog again.
August 2022
It’s the first day of the school year, kids are back in school. Lots of social media posts of smiling, grown up looking students. I wonder about “my” other kids, the at risk kids who are back. I’m sure they’ll seem grumbly and petulant that they have to come back to school. I also know that the stability and basic necessities they receive at school are critical; they miss the caring staff and safe place to be.
One angry student was fired from her very first job this summer. We talked about how her anger would be a problem and I’m sorry it was. I hope her self esteem wasn’t damaged by this. Another student was witness to a murder attempt on his Mom. How does a teenager deal with that?
June 2022
“If not for you I wouldn’t have graduated from high school. I didn’t see myself graduating, working, or doing anything. But because of you I did and I am. ” Gina, whom I’ve written about before, said this to the school Principal on the last day of school and it’s important. Gina has a strong spirit that is warring with depression and melancholy. Thanks to the school staff Gina graduated and now has a job at a preschool. I know that if Gina stays well and surrounds herself with healthy people she may become one of the strongest people I know.
Thanks to the school staff and best, best wishes to you Gina.
May 2022
A school shooting happened in Texas yesterday. A teenage gunman murdered a classroom full of kids and four teachers. As a society we can’t keep our children safe.
What do “my” at risk students think about this? Do they mourn the ten year olds? Do they identify with the gunman? Do they think that the politicians, government officials, gun lobby and adults in general just don’t care? It’s likely apathy that they feel the most. They are different, hurt, troubled, angry, abused, poor, addicted….the list goes on and on. They are mostly black and brown, which is no coincidence. They don’t care about themselves, so why would they care about others? It’s not lost on me that these students are the very pool from which future gunmen could come.
I worry about their summer, hell I worry about their future.
May 2022
The school year will end in a few weeks. Although most kids will tell you they can’t wait for school to be out, it’s not truly the case for at risk kids. Once school’s out they will lose the stability that staff provides, some will have less to eat. They will likely be immersed in the chaos, poverty or dysfunction that comes with their lives at home.
Today a few of the boys asked to barbecue again. I introduced them to burgers with blue cheese cooked inside the burger itself, and they thought it “slapped” (I think I’m using the slang correctly. “Slapped” means “good”, but only in certain phrases and circumstances. Since they always mock me for using the slang they teach me, I just use it however I want, to their delight).
A quiet 14 year old who attempted suicide a few weeks ago asked to see my dog again. I will do that, and we will barbecue, and I will hope for good summers for all the kids.
April 2022
Today we barbecued. Once a month I plan to have lunch with students and staff and today was the first day. A few kids helped me set up and I had a long talk with Lupe, a 14 year old who gets in fights. She admitted she’s angry and we bonded over the driving force of youthful anger. We talked about becoming what you feel and she inspected the wrinkles on my face. Was I happy in my early years? Angry? “You were definitely angry” she said, as she put out plates.
We all had lunch. The angry ones, the 14 year old that attempted suicide last week. The dark eyed 15 year old just out of Juvenile Hall tried a type of burger he’d never had. Albert, a young man in the closet and without much food at home, ate and was sent home with extra. I “Dad’d” them a lot, and got to see them as kids, which was really nice.
April 2022
I’m very grateful for some of my friends in local, big tech companies. They’ve decided to send the kids lunch one day a month; last month was pizza, this month was chicken, burgers, etc. These kids don’t always get food they want and my generous friends send everything- drinks, desserts, starters… and enough for staff and enough to take home if kids need it. This means a lot to the kids and to staff. The kids get the impression that someone cares about them. The staff feels cared for too, not overlooked and under appreciated.
It’s a bittersweet day though because the kids were in lockdown for lunch due to a student mental health crisis. I wish the kids would get a break from the chaos in their lives, but maybe I see it poorly. Maybe the small things we do for them is the break. I don’t know.
April 2022
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS?” Aria screamed at me. I looked up from the barbecue I was assembling and mentally scratched my head. I do wear a suit to the school and I am an old, white man, but why would she think I’m in charge here? Confused by both the question and the barbecue, which came in 100 pieces and Ikea-like directions, I explained to Aria that I’m a volunteer, no authority over anyone. “WHAT THE FUCK!!” she screamed. Aria has huge anger issues, longtime foster, been on the streets. She wanted the staff fired (by me), and was pissed I couldn’t do it, although being pissed is sort of her de facto communication style. The staff has gently enforced the rules on Aria and she didn’t like it. She stomped around, kicked and punched the wall. I paid half attention to her and half to the cursed barbecue and instructions. After awhile the dad in me kicked in and I wanted to calm her down. “Would you like to hear a funny story about Thanksgiving?” I asked her in a calm, low voice (one of my stories that is funnier to me than anyone else). “NO!!!” she screamed and stomped off. Thanking god that I’m not in charge. I turned back to the barbecue.
March 2022
Susanna is an 11th grader and transfer from another school district. Some districts don’t have alt ed schools like this, and frankly they sometimes want to warehouse kids they deem too much work. Susanna is angry and it sounds like she was poorly treated in her transfer, but she doesn’t want help. Over time I try to engage her, ask questions, tell Dad jokes. She usually isn’t interested in talking to me. On one visit I ask if she’d like to play cards; she doesn’t know how to play blackjack so I teach her. In the midst of explaining the game I realize I’m teaching statistics. I notice she asks unusual questions, stalls when it’s her turn… and I realize she can’t add or subtract well. How can a junior in high school be allowed to move forward in school when she can’t add or subtract? As rich in resources as our district, county, state, country is, we allow this? We are doing such a disservice to some of our kids.
March 2022
Staff texted me; a student wanted to see me today. It was nothing urgent, she just asked if I would be there. When I arrived I was surprised it was Aria, a usually angry middle schooler/ long time foster. There was nothing particular she wanted to talk about and I was flattered she asked for me. Later is dawned on me that I may be the only adult male she knows that is safe. Adult males she’s known want something from her or may hurt her. A deeply grounding humility often comes with these kids.
Staff brought food for a nacho bar, Aria helped out and all the students loved it. Edgar is a new student and his hoodie almost completely hides his face. Nachos disappeared into the opening of his hoodie, he seemed content. I really appreciated the staff bringing food for the kids- we all know the difference with food is made with care, just for you.
February 2022
Isabelle is a tall 15 year old, sometimes sunny and outgoing, other time withdrawn. Her home life has not been good and more than anything, it’s full of constant change and chaos. On her good days I get to know her more; one day she introduces me to her new boyfriend. On that day she asks me to walk her over to meet him, and she insists we link arms. She doesn’t introduce me by name, rather she says to him “this is like a Dad”. I realize she just had me walk her down the aisle metaphorically speaking.
It’s cold out and I ask her where her coat is, thinking she’s just not cold because she’s young (and I’m old, so I am). Turns out she does not own a coat. I drive home, grab a non-gang-color-down-coat and drive back to give it to her. Staff thanks me profusely, but why wouldn’t we all do this? Give a coat to a kid that’s cold?
January 2022
David doesn’t eat his cake. The staff got individual cakes for another student’s birthday, but David just sits with his cake in front of him. He doesn’t really talk to me so I can’t figure out why. I find out later he lives in extreme poverty and has food insecurity. He hides leftover food from lunch and will take it home, despite offers from staff to pack food up for him. He’s skinny and his beautiful dark curls poke out from his hoodie.
January 2022
Three positives in three weeks. The school is tested everyone each week for COVID, and each week there has been a positive. As a result they follow all protocols to keep everyone safe, but are kids harmed in other ways? COVID has been difficult for us all, but what is it like for a young person? If you are desperately poor, or homeless, or have addiction in your family, or live with an abuser- how do you survive? Like it or not, schools are a lifeline for some students, the online lifeline they have. I hope the kids are getting care and getting fed. The last two years has been so hard on them.
December 2021
It’s hard to articulate in words the depth of despair a 15-year old boy feels when he casually shares how police found him unconscious and cited him for public intoxication and required that his dad pick him up. The young boy, we’ll call Jackson, states, “whenever I bring up my brother, my dad says you can’t do anything about it. I say, yea, you can. Fuck it. Drink. That’s why I drink.” Then he chuckles almost in resignation and says “I’ve tried to die: by drinking, by pills, by fucking everything.” He explains how his brother died at age 16 and he’ll most likely follow. His mother—strung out on drugs. He says, “you know how I know she’s alive? She breaks in and steals my shit.” His dad works as a day laborer and barely makes enough to make ends meet. Jackson wears the same clothes everyday and says “I hand wash my clothes-without soap-so the colors don’t fade.” After this he shows that the soles of his shoes have holes in them.
December 2021
David is a thin young man with steady eyes. I get to know him in little bits of my Friday visits. Over time I find out he is one of 6 kids, Dad is incarcerated, Mom works a lot. They are desperately poor; he tells me their food budget is $200 per month. Later I ask staff if the family gets help from various agencies, including the districts’ center for families that need help. That place does not deliver, I’m told, and neither David (14), nor his younger siblings drive. Mom is obviously working every hour she can. David wants a job so he can help feed his family. Other than working illegally, he doesn’t have many options and he should be in school. Sometimes when I drink a $4 coffee or have dinner in a restaurant I think of David. Sometimes I feel like a failure and a hypocrite.
December 2021
There are kids right here in our community that have nothing but bad circumstances dealt to them. Fosters, homeless, mentally ill, parents absent, incarcerated- the list goes on. Today I received a beautiful, childlike smile from one of these kids. You know what it cost me? An in and out burger and caring enough to give it to him. I’m happy and furious both at once.
November 2021
The staff has brought a ton of food for a Thanksgiving lunch today. “Their plans for the holidays are pretty bleak” says Mr. C, so we create an event. My neighbors and allies provide a giant turkey. It smells great and I drive it to the school and carve it. Two donors and friends from Amazon arrive and they meet the staff and students. They go through the whiplash of feelings when meeting students; impressed by them and heartsick when they hear some of the stories. Jason, a homeless student I haven’t seen is here and I’m really happy, I thought the streets claimed him. He’s working for a plumber and I’m just glad he’s alive. He needs another haircut and we try to arrange paying for it. I spot Edgar, a student with extreme poverty in his life, walking off with a giant turkey leg and for a moment, I feel good.
September 2021
“Really shitty, but thank you for asking” she replied, as I gave her the safe half hug. Michelle is 13, daughter of a drug addict and estranged father. It was an incredibly candid, poised response. Far more honest than most of the greetings we get through each day.
Michelle has been harming herself and has been traded by her mother for drugs. At times I notice she will go quiet, almost catatonic at things that seem normal to me yet trigger her in some way. I wonder how she can function living in absolute chaos away from school. Sometimes she comes to school drunk, sometimes she tries to run for random reasons. The staff does a great job, but 6 hours of emotional triage masked in a cloak of educational curriculum can only do so much. Today I brought my dog for the kids to meet. As Michelle pets my dog, and I notice half of her nails long and beautifully painted, the other half bare and chewed.
July 2021
Rough day at the school today. The high school boys were mouthing off, threatening staff. One teacher remarked “the entitlement of their behavior is in the red zone”. The things they were saying, their actions, even they way they were looking at staff would have gotten me a beating when I was a kid (maybe not by teachers but likely by other students, or my parents. And my parents did not believe in beatings). Ultimately the lack of consequences will haunt these kids, it’s a societal problem. I guess I was there today to support staff more than kids.
June 2021
There was a fight today, more an assault really, and it’s sad all the way around. Tom is 14, lost his Dad a few months ago and isn’t doing well. He’s on meds for the grief I suppose, I’m not sure if the meds are a problem or a solution. He jumped (assaulted), another student, then did the same thing twice more and says it gives him a high, he feels good when harming another kid. He was placed at this school, and I wonder about that decision because one of the kids he jumped is here. Another student who’s very peaceful pleaded with the staff no keep an eye on Tom, because he didn’t want to be hurt.
Tom jumped the peaceful young man today. Tom’s mom and step father rushed to the school when they got the call, their eyes hurt, defiant, scared and worried. They looked like folks who couldn’t leave their jobs on a whim without possibly losing them, and this did not look like the first time they had to.
Schools are not designed nor funded to be surrogate parents, yet they are. Why does our society treat some children like debris?
May 2021
“Gina” is a strong 15 year old young woman and she is seriously pissed. Staff handles her well, keeping her from boiling over but keeping the fire burning. Gina has been dress coded for wearing a tank top and she’s pissed. I walk up and since I look like an old bald cop, I must seem a great target. I sit down and they explain Gina’s feelings- Gina is a natural leader and the conversation is steered by staff in a positive manner. Gina vents “Why do girls get dress coded when their nipples show, but not boys? Why is ‘being a distraction to the boys’ my fault and not theirs? Why are curvier girls dress coded more than skinny girls” she tells me with fire in her voice. I tell her I agree with her and it appears disappointing- she was sure the old bald cop would be a great target. Anger can be a very useful tool to survivors and staff and I aren’t heling her stay angry.
Gina brought up some great points and I plot to empower her and maybe make a change for girls.
May 2021
I was able to get a school board member friend to come meet with Gina. Even though my friend is educated, traveled and has a successful career, she understands how Gina feels because she experienced the same treatment as a child. Although it’s very difficult Gina gets to publicly speak at a board meeting. Gina breaks down in the middle of her presentation, but staff came with her and they help her finish. Promises of a student focused task force are made, months later Gina hasn’t been contacted and I remind her we are planting seeds. I try to reinforce how important it is that she spoke up, but my words feel a bit hollow. I wish I could do more.
April 2021
Xavier is a complex young man with glossy, wavy hair. He is on probation and loses his temper fast. Today he threatened a staff member “what’s up” (in my youth it was “let’s step outside”). Xavier does this kind of thing a lot with other kids, but doing it to staff is the sort of behavior that got him here, got him in juvenile hall, got him an ankle bracelet.
Staff did an incredible job with him as I watched. Admins, para-educators, teachers…all formed a united front letting him know he’s valued, but can’t do that. The staff is male, female, black, brown, white. We let him know we care, we want him to succeed, and he’s basically got to own up to his behavior. He has to grow up. I told him I was angry at his age too, and no group of adults cared like these folks do. I heard later there was some progress and I hope he keeps going in the right direction. We let him know we cared, as a group, and I can’t say enough about this staff.
March 2021
Albert is 13 and has been a foster up until 2 months ago when he met his birth father. Albert moved to live with his dad and he’s been deep in gang life. He’s a beautiful young man and tall- which is hard when you’re 13. He’s angry about a lot and for good reasons. He likes cars and I promise him that if his behavior is good (not in those words!), I’ll bring my 1965 Thunderbird convertible for him to see.
Today is not the day I normally volunteer but I have stuff to drop off. I ask the principal Mrs. A if Albert is there today. She replies yes, the Tbird would be a nice gesture because Albert is struggling, a good friend of his was just murdered. He’s 13.
February 2021
From a student; “My life is messed up sometimes, all I see is my mom coming in and out of my life and me and my dad arguing at home everyday I’m tired of this its killing me slowly having to wake up and deal with this pain hurts. On my birthday my mom never showed up for the past 4 years and sometimes I get mad but all I can do is still love her. I have a lot of people that care about me and I can also run to my friends for support. Sometimes I get into fights and other kinds of trouble but I still show up for school and I’m not a totally bad person. So that is why I’m always outside cause sometimes I don’t like going home. Sometimes I look at the sky and think to myself, do I really have a purpose in this world? Am I really supposed to live in a world full of pain and hatred? I hate it. Seeing people suffer everyday hurts. Sometimes I put my problems aside to help others because that’s the type of person I am.”
November 2020
The overhang, and a blanket. That was the best the principal could offer the student who would not go back home to her abusers. It was pouring rain and cold, the student is 15. Schools are often the only safety net for these students. Other agencies exist; Child Protection Services, foster care, parole and police. Good people work within these organizations, bad ones too. Decisions are often made by adults with good intentions and yet they woefully miss the mark of basic care. The principal was heartbroken to only have this to offer; an overhang and a blanket.
April 2018
I sat in an enormous, vaulted chamber. It felt like a theater but it had a huge dias and area for staff. It was the Santa Clara County meeting hall for the board of Supervisors, and I was there as an elected school board member to advocate for at risk kids. Although there were hundreds of seats the audience consisted of me and one contractor complaining about zoning.
When my turn came to speak I had 3 minutes to explain why I wanted county services and officials to have a closer relationship with the school district. I explained how it would help the kids. There are departments and staff in place, but few know or trust each other within the school district, probation, child protection services, juvenile hall, etc. I told the story of Isabelle, a 14 year old with mental health issues, family abuse, immigration problems, no health care. I told them she was bounced around so much that the only conclusion she could draw is that adults “in charge” don’t care. My 3 minutes was quickly up. Some of the Supervisors looked bored, other bewildered at the truth I just spit. They asked for my card and I left.
Fremont High School May 2012
“We have a guy” said Mr. Smith, the Academic Foundations teacher at Fremont High. I had been volunteering at Fremont for a few years, with AVID classes and now this class; kids who were struggling due to home life, drugs, poverty.
“Miguel would be a great candidate for a grant from your foundation. He was dabbling in gangs, not trying at school, then his dad had a devastating stroke. He took a year off to care for his dad, turned his life around, committed to graduating. He wants to go to college but has no money”. I got an application to Miguel and met this thoughtful, young man. We awarded him a grant to start at National Hispanic University and I gathered with a few Fremont staff members who knew him. They cried when I made the presentation of a few thousand dollars to Miguel, he looked bewildered.
Years have passed, Miguel graduated college, is married and works as an educator at Fremont High. In 2022 he was awarded “Educator of the Year” by the city. I’m proud of Miguel, he inspires me.
Foundry September 1999
One of my karate students named Austin is a quiet, hard worker. I also come to find out he’s a wickedly talented artist, particularly in water color. He donated a painting to my foundations’ grant ceremony and it sold for $200. Although Austin could use the money, the $200 goes to future college grants for other kids. I commission Austin to make me a painting. He reluctantly agrees to choose the subject and he doesn’t want to be paid. He feels complimented that I asked him and he creates a gorgeous watercolor of two koi. I paid him $250 and his eyes go wide at the money. Mine go wide at his talent.
Later in the year at the school’s graduation, Austin spits some soul and tells a bit of his story. His mom is a heroin addict and Austin distinctly remembers as a toddler waking up some nights looking for her, calling for her, room to room, while she’s out scoring drugs. Austin cries telling us this and we cry with him.
Foundry July 1998
Training “karate” is punching and kicking. Training “karate-do” involves living your life to a moral standard. I try to do the latter as I ask staff if I can stay in the school after hours to clean their kitchen. The kitchen is small but very well used; great set up and appliances but not very clean. All afternoon I move cabinets, crawl behind the stove and find old food, grease, dust. There is food my from generations past, forgotten folks and debris that may have historic designation. Part of me feels this is my personal training and part of me thinks I’m an idiot and this is a gross job. It appears to be both and when I’m done, the kitchen doesn’t look much different. It smells different (so do I), and I’m tired.
I find out much later that staff used this example with my students and I’m abashed and grateful. I hope they take it in.
Foundry April 1998
My non profit was new and we were awarding some of our first college grants to students of the Foundry. The school had a great culture and we created a wonderful ceremony at the school. I brought in food and a live band. We had a fun auction of students’ art; family and supporters packed the room. A lot of soul was in that room, a lot of very real people and real emotions.
“My first memory is hiding in a tree in my backyard as my alcoholic parents fought.” This from Sara, 17. “The Foundry helped me find my voice. I’m out of the gang life, graduating high school, going to college!” The crowd roared for Sara, it was one of many highlights from that night. The years passed and my foundation awarded Sara a few grants. She not only graduated from SJSU, but got her masters and is now a counselor and licensed social worker.
Foundry September 1997
“Nobody locks their bikes here”, said Caesar, a 14 year old gang member from San Jose. He was looking through our van’s window at Independence, CA, a small high desert town between the Sierras and Inyos. Caesar had never been outside of San Jose until he went with 43 of us on an annual “Desert Retreat”, a Foundry trip in which kids were paired with adult mentors. The trip is one week long and designed for kids to find themselves. It culminated in a desert walk; kids walk out into the dunes with some survival gear and come back hours later. I was always terribly nervous when my mentee left.
“If someone steals your bike you would see them riding it, there’s only 1000 people that live here” I told Caesar. He looked at me thoughtfully and turned to look out the window again. His head was shaved and his neck tattoo had script that I couldn’t read. Caesar had never been outside of San Jose, never been on a plane, seen snow, been in love.
Foundry May 1996
I was 33 and had been teaching karate twice a week after school for about a year. I had a core group of students and the honbu dojo in Tokyo accepted my application to be a registered dojo in the international organization, and the chief international instructor thought my name choice “Shugyo” was appropriate. The Foundry had a unique and apropos name; they put students through a rigorous, demanding and honest program to try and forge the students into healthy young people. For my dojo at the Foundry I chose “Shugyo Dojo”, or “spirit forging school”.
I kept the training very traditional, which meant hard repetition, no talking. After explanations in English the commands were in Japanese, so I got to know my students through their physical effort and expression.
One day after training a quiet, diminutive 15 year old student named Sara asked to speak with me after class. I was puzzled but agreed and we sat on a bench near the entrance. I waited in my sweaty gi as a very nervous Sara fidgeted and struggled to figure out how to talk to me. She finally, painfully told me that she was gay, had her first girlfriend, and didn’t know how to tell her Mom. These subjects were far away from dojo training, I was utterly, ridiculously lost for words. I racked my mind for appropriate words or advice or ??? I spent what felt like an eternity searching for words to “fix” her problems. I finally ended up telling her that it was ok that she told me, I support her, and I have no advice! I have no daughters and have never been gay! She chuckled a bit and smiled. I realized she really only wanted me to listen and accept her. I’ve realized that learning to listen was a big step in my training, both in the dojo and in life.
Foundry September 1995
Pass the feather, spit your truth. The school is shaped like an unbalanced starfish and the center room is where staff holds circle multiple times a day. Always morning and before last bell, sometimes in between if there’s something important to discuss. Staff and students arrange chairs in a large circle and everyone is expected to be present. Circle could be fairly mundane, like the logistics for an upcoming field trip or it could be very spiritual and heartbreaking. If a topic deserved gravitas then you would hold a ritualistic feather (maybe from an eagle or a hawk), and be expected to speak truthfully, from your heart “spit your truth”.
“I’m homeless and dress with what I have, but I back my shit up” said the teenager, his voice hitching and face stained with tears. The feather shook in his hand, he stood to say this but cast his eyes down, barely getting these words out. Other student took turns with the feather, supporting him. Then a line of street hardened kids formed in the center to take turns quietly telling him he’s fine, hugging him, he is their friend, they back him up too. Pass the feather, spit your truth.
Foundry January 1995
It’s 1995 and I’m 32, single, great job and feel somewhat hollow. The Mercury News is a local paper that has a large local section of articles and this Sunday there’s an interesting article on the cover about a school for “at risk” kids in San Jose. The article describes a refuge; an opportunity for change for the gangsters, homeless, drug addicts, molested and abused teens. The article is captivating but what catches my eye is a passage describing the leader, John Malloy. Apparently he trains in traditional karate as I do and my mind connects with another article about a karate-ka (karate practitioner), in Chicago that trains needy students for free if they bring in a passing report card.
Feeling driven and not sure why, I contact John and make an appointment to meet him. The school is about 30 minutes from home and in a semi industrial area, corners are tagged and a few old homes peek out. The school is rich in character; colorful totem poles and beautiful murals are everywhere. Student artwork and signs proclaim “Find your voice!” “Foundry Pride!!” and “Never trust a man with a wig!” The school itself is older and jammed with kids, art and indigenous and spiritual statements are everywhere. Staff is eclectic and knows all the students. They move between healing groups and classes in a pattern I don’t really understand.
The kids look like regular teenagers….and not. Some look like gangsters or just normal tough teenagers but I start to notice haunted eyes, lots of bluster or timidity or signs of damage. Although I had lots of privilege growing up and still do as a young white man, I know what a survivor looks like and see them here.
I meet John and mean to tell him my idea about the Chicago program. We sit at his desk and I learn more about the school, program and kids. It’s a fascinating place and as we talk I feel like I’m being interviewed. I suddenly understand when he asks me “when can you start teaching the kids karate?”.
I’m surprised as I never meant to offer my time or teach anyone. I’d been studying Shotokan, a traditional Japanese style in an International organization for five years. I’m currently Nidan (second degree black belt), and feel woefully inadequate as a teacher. Traditionally teachers are third degree or higher (3 more years minimum), have approval from local senseis and headquarters in Japan. Plus, what do I know about helping these kids?
John toured the school with me, introduced staff and students and somehow convinced me to volunteer teach. For 8 years I snuck away from work early, drove 30 miles and taught. I registered the dojo with Japan and named it Shugyo Dojo “Spirit Forging School”. I went on weeklong desert retreats as a mentor, helped kids start college and most importantly forged spirit with the kids that I would forever remember.